Cheap Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen (Video) (David DeCoteau) Price

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Customer Reviews of Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen

This is an almost unbearable drama about a college student transported via a time travel headband in an arcade to the days of Oliver Cromwell's England. I watched it because it sounded amusing, but the reality is that it smells like a wet dog. The three main plot points are essentially time travel, Cromwell's England, and animal husbandry (of sorts.) The student is played by the fetid Shannon Dow Smith (yes, he's the hero) who teaches the ladies of Dorset to run a castle full of illicit trade amongst the Puritans. Needless to say there are bad costumes, really bad English accents (The movie was filmed in Romania, and most of the smaller parts were played by Romanians who learned their lines phonetically!), and incredibly moronic plot twists.

Technically the movie is quite poor. Lots of camera jitter can be seen on occasion. At least once the sound and film were not in sync, resulting in people speaking with no words being heard. My biggest overall complaints, though, were the music and the editing. The editing was so choppy, that it was actually offensive to watch; frequently scenes were stuck in where they made absolutely no sense, and only serve to confuse the already muddled plot. The music is "smooth jazz" type piano music that is about 100 decibels louder than the rest of the soundtrack, so have your thumb on the volume control on the remote. As a final affront to the audience, the cast is listed in the credits, but the character names are not, meaning you have no clue who was who, except in the extremely unlikely event that you had heard of any of these actors before.

There are very few highlights to discuss. They are Betsy Lynn George and the girl who played the waitress near the college in the frame shots. Betsy Lynn George is beautiful, and is probably the only actress in the film with actual thespian talent. She is better known for her superior starring role in "Petticoat Planet" which I recommend only in preference to this film (marginally). I am unsure who the waitress is (thanks to the credits) but believe it is Christi Harris, although I am not positive of that. Whoever she is, she is also decent in her role and is very attractive. Beyond this minor praise, the rest of the film is a mess.

I can't imagine any reason I would ever watch this again unless threatened with grievous bodily harm. Shame on you David LeCoteau for directing this piece of drek (under pseudonym "Ellen Cabot"), and shame on you Vlad and Oana Paunescu for producing something so artistically and morally bankrupt.

Not Very.
Maybe I don't understand the definition of "lurid." From my perspective, I think this film would have been more aptly entitled, "Warm and Cozy Castle Tales." If you want hot busty babes, hot sex, hot raunch, and lots of nudity, this film is probably not for you.