Cheap Kill Cruise (DVD) (Peter Keglevic) Price

Related Products

Customer Reviews of Kill Cruise

Hypnotically bad
Yes, I know this is a bad movie but for some reason it's got me hooked and I've watched it twice already. This may be because I'm trying to make sense of it, the plot really doesn't hang together even on long-distance inspection, but this is the closest Jurgen Prochnow has got to a boat since Das Boot and that alone gives it three stars in my book. Liz Hurley's accent wavers around from Essex girl to Sloan Ranger but she makes the most of the part, and Patsy Kensit does childish tantrums very well. It's a pity that's all she had to do because even done well they can get boring. Watching Prochnow handle the boat, and briefly Liz Hurley, is great fun but the twist at the end left me open-mouthed even the second time. I actually thought it must have been based on something that happened when the explanatory final paragraph came up, but now I'm back in the land of the sane I've got a feeling that isn't the case. Great fun though.

---

A long time on open water
Jurgen Prochnow, best known for playing the captain of a German submarine in the classic DAS BOAT, once more demonstrates his prowess in fulfilling the role of a sailor. This time, however, he portrays a washed-up sailor, and the dangers that lurk are far more insidious than the depth charges hurled at him in DAS BOAT.

This time around, he is an average-Joe who is hired by two gorgeous women to give them a ride on his schooner. It's quite a long ride - about a month or more. The 2 women are played by Elizabeth Hurley & Patsy Kensit.

So, you say, sounds like every man's fantasy, right? To be out to sea with two lovely women all to himself - seems like a pretty good deal. Only one catch: both of them turn out to be borderline crazy.

Ultimately, there is but one reason to see this movie, and that's to see Kensit & Hurley sport an assortment of bikinis, halter tops, evening gowns & other sexy summmer clothes. If you're disinterested in these things, you'll likely be disinterested in watching this film. [The storyline isn't very good, nor is it particularly intriguing]

The film would have been better had it been saturated with nudity, but sadly it's not. It appeared a few times that it was going in that direction, but the movie always seemed to pull back from the threshold at the last moment.

Hence, if the fantasy of 2 women on a boat without land in sight is enough to keep your attention for a few hours, this one might be worth a look. If not, you're better of staying on shore.

---

Truly, totally worthless
I bought this DVD because I mistakenly thought that the premise had some interesting mystery/suspense possibilities, that the attractive, well-recognized cast would deliver entertaining performances, and that, even if the plot and acting failed, there still might be enough to make the film one of those movies that is fun to watch because of how bad it is. To my immediate and increasing disappointment as the film droned on, none of this was true. Save yourself from this fate.

The plot is undeveloped, incoherent nonsense. The film opens with a loud, dark, confusing sequence at sea where the sailor is caught in a storm and a woman dies. There is never any serious attempt to explain or develop this story. Later, the now down-and-out sailor suddenly agrees to ferry two loudmouth, fringe bar singers and their bothersome dog on a 4-week trip to Barbados. During the trip, one of the singers takes an unreasoning dislike to the sailor, picks one childish fight after another with him, rummages through his possessions, and comes up with a theory that he killed the woman on the earlier voyage because of a love triangle of some sort. The sailor later explains away the theory to the other singer on board, who seems friendlier to him, and then the whole murder theory is just dropped as if were a mistake. After many tedious, labored, pointless scenes of the three on board quarreling with each other, facing several trumped-up seafaring adversities, and doing various routine chores like hosing dog poop off the deck, there is a last-minute, pyscho-type killing on board that comes out of nowhere and explains nothing. The film ends with a cryptic message on screen about the fate of the survivors that, again, gives no meaning to anything that has come before.

Is the film sexy? Funny? Fun? The superficial, loser characters could not be less interesting or attractive. The sailor is so grouchy, withdrawn, old, and broken-down, the hostile singer so exaggerated in her disagreeableness, the other singer so vapid and vacuous, the petty quarreling among the characters so constant and annoying, and the tone of the film so dark that there is not an ounce of chemistry or lasting good cheer among the characters. Not only is the characters' behavior a total drag, there is nothing erotic about the situations, scenery, or warddrobe, even an early, short, embarrassing, scene in a bar in which one singer supposedly strips but clearly does no such thing (the extent of the nudity in the film) and a split-second glimpse of a perfunctory, sleepy "love scene" that packs no punch whatsoever.

Sadly, some movies have absolutely nothing redeeming about them. This is one of them. The only thing to do when this happens is to come right out and say so. Reciting all the flaws but then giving them a pass for no reason at all, straining to conjure and contrive tidbits that are supposedly worth watching, or engaging in speculative, wishful thinking that edited scenes exist that, like magic, would somehow make sense of this mess, only compounds the waste of time and money from a film like this. What's on the screen makes perfectly clear beyond any doubt what a total waste this is.