Cheap Amazons and Gladiators (DVD) (Zachary Weintraub) Price

Related Products

Customer Reviews of Amazons and Gladiators

But (there's always a but), some poor interpretations damage the film; I'm not an historical purist, but enough is enough...in 60 A.D. Caesar and Brutus! Marcus Crassius hero of the punic wars (the last one ended on 146 B.C.), captured Spartacus (71 B.C.) and is "now" governor of some far away province (60 A.D.)!!!! Is he a Vampire?or some kind of immortal?? There are so many persons and events in Roman history that those blunders shouldn't happen. Look I'm not discussing vests, weapons and armor or even the idea of Amazons in the 1st century, only that minimal knowledge is required to make an historical action movie...Amazons and Gladiators could very well have the evil Hurzegtikastishan empire fighting the jokastinoras tribe of freedom fighters as background...the rome/romans of this film are as real as the Hurzegtikastishan.

Well, watch the movie but don't expect to learn anything historical...except the look of Roman Spears (Pilum), they are very good reconstructions. I give two stars because when I forgot about the anachronisms and mistakes, I enjoyed the show.

You didn't REALLY expect masterpiece theater, did you?
Anything named "Amazons and Gladiators" cannot be taken as anything more than "B" movie caliber, and this certainly doesn't disappoint. Like all "B" movies about Amazons, it's about a bunch of naked women running around being sex objects while, somewhat hypocrtically, trying to talk and act convincingly about female empowerment in being MORE than sex objects. Characteristically, this empowerment is derived from the pointy end of a sword (phallic references obvious here, huh?).

Anyone who buys or rents this film expecting something more will be disappointed, but probably hasn't been off the back of the turnip wagon long in that case, anyway. Anyone who says they wish to watch it for the quality of the acting or its historical value is probably trying to convince their wife/girlfriend to see it with them so both can enjoy some lesbian action on screen. They will be disappointed, as there is none of that in this film, despite the lead characters' professed confusion as to what exactly a man IS good for....

The story is typical. Serena, a young girl from Pane (I assume a reference to Pannonia, or present day Hungary) is forced by General Marcus Crassius to participate in her mother's execution (taken straight from an old Charles Bronson western, only without the harmonica). She then becomes a dancing slave girl, who quite chastely refuses the (paid) advances of a Roman senator, slaying him the process and running off with the Amazon warrior who happened to be captive in the same room. She joins the Amazons, and sets out with her trusty sidekick to avenge herself on the evil general that killed her mother. She gets the general, then becomes the Amazon queen and defends women's rights across Roman and barbarian lands. We've seen it all before. What's the harm in watching some of it again?

Yes, the costumes are cheesy. Yes, the dialogue is sometimes terrible (there are some Lithuanian actors whose only English is limited to the lines they learned for the film, notably "Yes, my lord"). No, it's not a movie for Feminists. But it's a good mental vacation, regardless. Enjoy it for what it intended to be in the first place, a "B" movie about naked women pretending to be empowered in a time when women were property.

"Dey dun't do zem gud in Lithuania, eh Heine?"
It's the toothpaste's fault, really! On a short visit to the local 'Drugs-B-Us' store to replenish the toothpaste supply, I got lost again. This happens every time I enter a retail store of any kind. The vast & myriad possibilities of unbridled, rampant consumerism stun my sensibilities into quivering jelly in the same manner I would imagine a TASER does, and within a few seconds I found myself wandering down the DVD movie rack.

Spotting 'AMAZONS & GLADIATORS', and noting the discounted $5.00 price, I immediately knew that it would be as cheap a way of wasting 90 minutes as any one could spend, glued to the Hungry Eye. I am happy to report, my initial surmise was spot on.

This is indeed a DVD penny-dreadful. My first impression was how dreadfully clean all the costumes were. Every roman plebe's garments looked exactly as if they had just been freshly machine-made in Bengladesh from cheap polyester. Second impression was how dreadfully clean and tidy all the characters were--fresh scrubbed, rosy cheeked, perfect orthodonture, nicely styled hair, etc. The S&M styled leather gear was right out of 'Xena: Warrior Princess', with squeeky-clean (and rose-scented, doubtless) cleavage poised as artfully perfect as in a grade 'B' T&A flick, and it was curious how every character was good-looking and attractive, with such striking features (even the Amazon village hags were charming). The fact that baths and regular bathing were virtually unknown in the 1st Century seems to have been conveniently overlooked by the producer of this film, as is the fact that at that distant date, personal bodily 'fragrance' was the most effective prophylactic yet known to (Roman) science of the day. And of course all the men were clean shaven (undoubtedly attributable to the advanced state of exotic metallurgical knowledge in the post-Bronze Age world).

The acting for the most part was indeed mediocre, although it did get a bit better as the flick continued, and the shots of provincial Roman buildings had the painful look of a cheap back-lot movie sets rejected by the Ben-Hur film production of the 60s. The only acting of any substance I felt was demonstrated by this movie's version of the Python's 'Biggus Dickkus' (our banished Roman General), who was sometimes convincing in his portrayal as the sadistic provincial governor.

Another thing that never fails to impress me is how all those emaciated female Amazon ectomorphs were all so capable of swinging that heavy Roman hardware without breaking a sweat. In the real world, I would expect to see such outlaw XX types looking a bit more like bulked-up, steroid-enhanced linebackers for the Oakland raiders, than catwalk models.

While I enjoy a pure fantasy as much as any adult does, I sometimes worry about how films of this sort help further distort the awarenesses of those pre-and-immediately-post-adolescents who watch such maudlin stuff and confuse fantasy with street reality. The only real kick-a** females I know generally drive Hardly Goodsons and hang with MC clubs and they don't look like a slimmed-down version of 'Xena', either.

On the plus side of the equation, it was a harmless (for reflective adults, possessed of a full load of brain cells) 90 minutes of fantasy to pass a lazy afternoon. Most interesting to me was the fact that the production was apparently filmed and shot in Lithuania, judging by the film credits and location acknowledgements appearing at the end of the flick.

Final assessment: For $5, you could do worse in a DVD purchase (alas, MUCH worse) and it's a fairly good (if mindless) romp, but forget about gleaning any factual historical knowledge about the actual Roman period in which this action supposedly takes place. ("Two thumbs sideways!").